Sometimes my thoughts are unnerving.
They attack me like a case of mistaken identity.
They send me into shut down or panic
like feeling something crawling on you
in the middle of the night while you sleep.
They are the extra feet of a wet death
I have to pass before reaching the surface
of a pool I live in while out of air.

Sometimes my thoughts are all too calm.
Like an early Fall afternoon when itıs almost
too cold to walk bare feet through the grass
but warm enough for shorts with a silence
in the air that is only broken when you take
a breath and realize that these are the days
that most days aspire to be and until they
become such a day; they are only a thought.

Sometimes my thoughts are heartbreaking.
Self-pity is like the feeling of going over
a hill too fast in reverse and all of the negative
thoughts that counter my hopes and desires
know just what to say to make me retreat
and keep all out from the locked cellar
with a lost key waiting only to be found by
the few and rare decent people, but there is doubt.

Sometimes my thoughts are joyful.
I lay in bed and feel like a child on Christmas Eve
and I can hear rustling in the living room
and these are the nights that I can sleep deep
like a shark floating along in a current under the
dance the light does across its skin beneath the waves
of life that keep me moving somehow headed
where I am supposed to go even when I donıt want to.

Sometimes my thoughts are full of love.
And I see her lying there content, with me
after a night of, shhh, thatıs for us and us only,
smiling at me knowing that I would not harm her
for as long as we both shall live under the careful watch
of father time who shows us that love does not age
no matter how hard he does his work and not only will it
endure the tests of life but it will live on after, forever.

Sometimes my thoughts are full of pain.
I remember the time when I did that thing and we
had to go to that place and the man said this will hurt
just a little bit, but he lied it hurt a lot and I cried for days,
until I passed out from exhaustion and dreamed of a life alone,
forever and a day of having to talk to myself at night
while remembering that who ever said, ³The best company
is your own.², never had the company of someone else.

Sometimes my thoughts are full of laughter.
Itıs as if sitting in a classroom getting tickled at a friend
to the point where one of you snorts which sends you both
into a muddled roar of chuckles that only gets stronger the
more you try to stop and when one of you finally thinks
that you have a grasp on your laugh, the other lets out another
and you start again until your head hurts and youıre out of breath
like chasing the dog that stole your underwear in an endless dream.

Sometimes my thoughts are filled with absolute fear.
Lying in bed at night as a child staring at something long
enough for it to move and make me yell for my mother
who is worried about her only son crying out into the night
that is so dark as is the space behind a wall that I have opened
up knowing that I want it to remain released but it is apparent
it will close off again because it hurts to dream an empty dream.

And Sometimes I think of someone extraordinary.
Wanting nothing but the best for them even if it means
to set them free to see if they return like a feather thrown
into the wind that wants to be at your side through it all
knowing that if I had to walk through hell and needed
to look to someone for help I would look to them just like
they could count on me to lift them out of the suffocating
waters of their past that makes it so hard to love again.

And I smile.



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